Tag Archives: relationships

three sources of transparency

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I’ve seen at least three sources of transparency.

the first source is a lack of self awareness.

This kind of transparency comes from a place that fails to account for the real world. Without a sensitivity to the perceptions of others, this kind of transparency happens automatically, without much thought or, worse yet, without consideration of how others may interpret one’s innermost thoughts. This transparency may feel endearing at first, but quickly becomes offensive.

Second source: a lack of self control.

This transparency is like a bull in a china shop, causing destruction at nearly every turn. The justification of this transparency is shrouded, as, it says, “I am only processing verbally, what’s the problem with that?” The problem is a lack of self control, not everyone needs to hear your every thought. Process is important, but not everyone needs to know the process. Often, the process is not the final product, yet others are not following along your every word, and they tend to only latch on to a few (destructive) stops along the way.

The final source of transparency, that I have observed, comes from a lack of selfishness.

This is a good transparency. It’s intentional and deliberate; calculated in such a way as to build relationships and reveal vulnerability. When a person is transparent in this way, for this reason, he or she is not interested in PROTECTING self, but carefully admitting weakness to offer true hope to others.

Let us be transparent–the world needs our authenticity! — but let’s not let it happen because we are clueless or because we lack self control. Instead, let us BE ABSOLUTELY REAL in order to connect with others…

Last time you were open, authentic, what was moving you? What do you think about all of this? sound off in the comments below.

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What Not To Do When You Are Criticized

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It’s impossible to lead without getting criticized. Not only will you make mistakes, but people are often hurting badly and their criticism is an expression of their pain. Here’s a short list of what NOT to do when you get attacked:

Don’t blow it off right away. Take some time to think through what was said so that you can examine your life and leadership. Do you best to ignore HOW it was said, at least for the time being (return to that later to see if you need to address that specifically). Your goal is to uncover every possible learning. You want to be better, and that’ll never happen if you can’t learn how to learn through the painful critiques.

Don’t focus on it too much. It’s impossible to tell an angry person to “not be angry,” and that’s essentially what I’m saying here. Learn what you can and then move on. GET IN, GET OUT. Don’t live in the pain and don’t let it dominate your thinking. The best way to not think about something is to think about something else. Do something that makes you forget about ministry. Do some menial tasks or hard labor–busy hands can lay the mind to rest. Do something that clearly expresses your passion. Anyhow, speaking of anger:

Don’t bottle up your anger. You need a healthy way to express your thoughts and feelings. Develop the habit of journaling if you haven’t done so already. Talk to a close friend, preferably one who’s outside of your ministry context. Don’t hold it all in, that’ll just poison your soul. At some point, that poison will start infecting your relationships.

Don’t go on a smear campaign. When you are criticized, fair or not, we often feel the need to lash out (at least I do…). Going on the attack never does any good. It may dull the pain for a while, but it doesn’t resolve it. Make a list of your attacks…and then throw them away. If they are legitimate issues that need to be addressed, they will come up again.

Don’t stay the same. Resolve yourself to move forward differently than you were moving in the past. Write down the lesson somewhere. Share it with a friend. Make an “appointment” in your calendar APP three months in the future, so that you can evaluate and see if you’ve remained true to what you’ve learned.

Being criticized never feels good, but good things can come from it, if you have the will to see it through.

 

 

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Student Leadership: What’s The Point?

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The other day, Doug Franklin (leadership GURU over at LeaderTreks), responded to one of my tweets:

My first thought: “AWESOME.” I can’t believe he’d even read my tweet, let alone respond to one.

He makes at least two great points about student leadership: (1) identify your goals and (2) make one on one relationships a priority.

It’s important it be intentional with every move you make in your ministry. You don’t want to start up a student leadership component to your ministry just because the church up the street has one. Activity isn’t necessarily movement forward.

Personal attention is also important. We can LEARN and GROW and be CHALLENGED when we’re in a crowd, but none of these things can be PERSONALIZED without a one on one connection.

Don’t be confused by Doug’s comment about teams being OK. Obviously leadership teams more than OK, they are essential for getting things done. Also, teams aren’t necessarily the opposite of one on one mentorship. Doug seems to be saying this: “Having a leadership team at the expense of one on one is OK, but probably not great.”

What’s the point of your student leadership? Have you made personal relationships a priority?

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What happens when our fellowship isn’t enough?

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I’ve been blessed with lots of great friends. I’ve known some of them for more than 20 years. These people provide safety, support, encouragement, correction… Yet there are times when I still feel alone and unknown.

How can this be possible? What am I missing? How have i made a mistake? What should I be doing to further deepen my connections?

Sometimes, nothing can be done in these moments of isolation:

Proverbs 14:10: “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.”

For me personally, these times serve to push me into greater reliance and surrender on God. He is the one who searches our hearts and knows us fully. For me, this is a tangible expression that my human relationships, as great as they are, will never be completely satisfying.

Longing for the presence of God is the only answer, because he is the one who fills, he is the one who satisfies in a way human relationships never will.

This teaching isn’t an excuse to pull back, we must be working to love and serve one another. But at the end of the day, seeking his kingdom is what provides for all of our needs…not great relationships with other believers.

We need strong community, we need to build biblical fellowship into our lives. But not at the expense of knowing and being known by God.

What if God was the rock in my life, my fortress? When the loneliness comes, the answer is not to fill up the silence with mere noise. Instead we must run to him and rely on him more than anyTHING or anyONE else.

Where does your fellowship fall short? What do you do in these moments?

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