Tag Archives: parents

Five critical actions after a big time mistake

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I hate making mistakes.

I’m definitely not a perfectionist, but when I sacrifice a key value for our ministry, I’m far from excited. Here’s my latest ministry mistake: last weekend, we had three kids from the same family get baptized. The family was still in the main church service and missed the whole thing. The parents, grandparents, two aunts, and an uncle all missed this really cool event for their family.

What a colossal screw up.

Where’s what I did in the aftermath of a mistake:

I own up, fully, without making excuses (more about excuses in a moment). In this case, that meant seeking out the parents, looking them in the eye, and conveying my sincere regret. They didn’t come looking for me, I could have “escaped” without talking to them. Honestly, I was tempted to do so. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life that I knew denial wasn’t going to make anything better.

I identify what when wrong, without making excuses. The difference between reason and excuse is intention and conviction. When we go looking for reasons why the wheels fell off, we can have two different mind sets. The excuse mentality looks to avoid blame and create sound bytes that get you off the hook. Authentically looking for reasons is the opposite: it seeks to discover new pathways so the same mistake isn’t repeated.

I want to do my best to make it right. If his case, I found out that video was taken of the baptism, and I’m going to make sure that video gets to the family. It’s a poor substitute, but it’s the best that can be done.

I don’t take responsibility for their response. It is, of course, irrational for me to think that I can compel a positive response from others. While the family was gracious (but definitely not happy!), I know this isn’t usually the response from the person I’m apologizing to. I can’t control the reaction, I can only accept it with humility.

I do my best to move on without guilt. it doesn’t do anyone any good for me to keep punishing myself. Hanging on to the shame produces a poison that keeps us from surrendering our ministry to God. It diminishes our capacity for action. A leader who doesn’t act in fear of making mistakes isn’t much of a leader. Why? Because the mistakes will always come, maturity doesn’t stay stuck in the past.

How about you? Use the comments below to tell us about a mistake you’ve made and how you like to respond.

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What if you tried to fix more people in your life?

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I'm not a big fan of the phrase, “Stop fixing people.”

I get the meaning behind it: stop being so judgmental, stop thinking that you're so great because you can point out the flaws in others.

I believe in attacking that target! But I also think there's too much collateral damage.

  • I think it can lead to complacency, “I don't need to be concerned with who they are.”
  • I think it stops a behavior, but not the thoughts. “I think that person's a moron, but as long as I don't say anything, I'm doing my part.”

“Stop fixing people” isn't specific enough. We need to stop doing what we think will fix other people because it's not working. Have you ever grown spiritually because you felt the disapproval of someone you admire? That may work in sports, but right now we're talking about our souls.

Good parents fix their children. Good friends fix one another. Much of the spiritual health you have today came through people very close to you. God worked through those people to change your life.

Jesus said to take the plank out first, before you help the other person with their speck. He could have said to leave their spec alone. Jesus said not to throw pearls before pigs, we shouldn't say something if there's not a good chance of it being heard. The proverbs tell us that an offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city.

We can't give up on fixing one another. We need to become better at fixing one another. That means accepting one another, praying for one another, listening to one another, forgiving one another, helping one another, and when the time is right: to correct on another.

The task at hand isn't to stop fixing one another. We need to stop judging, disapproving. We need to stop pointing out all the flaws.

To fix people, we must relearn what it means to actually help one another grow closer to Christ. And if we following his example, we'll know what to day.

 

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EXPLOSIVE CONFLICT! (now what?)

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Recently I was on a family vacation, and we had a ton of people cramped into one house. It was a ton of fun, everyone had a blast……except for that one night when the four ten year old boys started joking inappropriately. It wasn’t horrible, but it was way over the line.

And my boys were leading the way.

The other parents weren’t happy, and honestly, had everything been reversed, I wouldn’t have been happy either. I’ll hit the dad side of this situation in my next post. In this post, I’ll highlight what went right in resolving this conflict:

  • First: The one parent who heard what was going on didn’t sit on it. He said something to the rest of the parents. So great!
  • Second: The parents decided to separate the boys…they were all sleeping in the same room, and it was obvious that they needed some time a part. Good decision.
  • Third: the next morning, all the parents got together, and talked the situation through. This was a good conversation.

There are a few key actions to keep in mind if you want to resolve conflict well:

Key #1: Communication. It may be tough to say, but get it out. If there is some pain or offense, then put it on the table so it can be dealt with. Be honest, be open, and share respectfully. Your goal isn’t to share the burden of your pain (do that with a friend), but to communicate the causes (and results) of the offense. This means you are articulate and passionate without being inflammatory or critical.

Key #2: Change. Everything doesn’t have to stay the same. If a student is disruptive to ministry, remove them. If a leader isn’t serving well, move him or her to another part of your ministry. The danger is to quickly smooth things over and go back to the status quo. Change also means owning up and taking responsibility. Change takes wisdom, because it’s easy to respond with a bunch of new rules, regulations, and boundaries. Use your best discernment without creating an internment camp.

Key #3: Keep Communicating. Hours, days, and weeks later, circle back around to make sure everyone is in the loop and on the same page. Let everyone know that the changes have been made, and the impact they have had.

 

There are, of course, many more key actions to resolving conflict. What would you add to this short list? Post a comment below and let us all know what you are thinking.

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what would you communicate to parents?

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As the school year comes to an end, we typically schedule a few parents meetings. I like meeting with parents, feel like we do a fair job of communicating with them through the year, but we definitely don’t have a strong parents ministry.

I know there are lots of ideas on how to make this happen… honestly, there are so many other things that need work, that building a vibrant parent ministry hasn’t made the priority list yet. I don’t feel a ton of pressure, because most of the church’s programs are geared to parents… but I’m getting off topic.

In our parents meeting, my goal is to spend two thirds of the time informing them about our ministry. I want to cover everything from a 10,000 foot view to the grass roots. I’ll take the last third of our meeting time for Questions and Answers. In all of this, I also want them to get a feel for who I am.

Anyhow, here’s the handout that I’m using this year. Feel free to use it as a spring board for your ministry and make it better!

HSM parents meeting

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