In my eyes, the tears welled up unwillingly, uncontrollably. They were goaded relentlessly by a hellish new insight. Ignorance really is bliss, and enlightenment can be a, well, something on the far end of the bliss scale.

Four days earlier I had made a decision to start eating better and get in shape. Not something I’ve decided to do very many times, although, each time I have gone down this road, it’s been a dead end.

Four days was tough, but I was doing well. No slip ups, no lapse in self control.

I went to the pizza place near my office for some salad. I found out it’s cheaper to get all you can eat pizza and salad versus all you can eat salad. I made quick calculations against saving a buck versus having permission to eat pizza. I saved the money and left the pizza plate at the counter.

I go straight to my table, but everything down and head back to the salad bar. I put the greens on my plate, but my neck is cranked to the left. I’m staring at the pizza. I chuckle, and head back to my table.

I forgot to get a drink, so now I’m back near the food and my head is cranked to the left. I’m staring at the pizza, uncontrollably. I end up over filling the cup.

I make it back to the table, but since I’m going to be planted for a while to do some reading, I use the restroom so I can pound through emails without interruption.

As I pass the pizza, I’m looking at it again with an intensity I didn’t think was possible for me to have over a physical thing. On my way out of the bathroom and back to my table, I’m absolutely focused again.

Finally I’m sitting at the table. If feels like a sanctuary. It’s a mercy that I didn’t have line of sight to the pizza. The feeling of safety fades . . .

Not a single word, not even a letter, has been exaggerated in this post. These few moments turned my life upside down. A week later I’m still sickened and sobered.

Horror sprung up from it’s deep place with the realization that I had given up freedom, control, peace. I was a slave to consumption for temporary respite. An addict.

“Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything. “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food”—but God will destroy them both.
–Paul of Tarsus

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